


And With Strange Aeons Even Death May Die

by the_final_pam



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Elaine is trying her best, Found Family, Heidi dies, M/M, OOC Connor, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Will add tags as I go, mark hansen is not a good dad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:20:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26136391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_final_pam/pseuds/the_final_pam
Summary: The world moves so slow Evan can almost feel it.His memories numbed away, not erased, no matter how much he wished they were.He won't forget Heidi died, but he can try.Evan was never one for healthy coping mechanisms
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 8
Kudos: 42





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> tw: Evan planning to kill himself (no actual attempt though)

Evan Hansen was born on January 1st.

Heidi always loved that, said it was cool to age at the same time as Earth starts a new cycle around the sun. She said it made him special. Evan never really understood that. 

Earth moving around the sun wasn't new or interesting. It's never going to stop spinning, well until the sun blows up and Earth freezes over. 

People didn't truly celebrate the Earth going around the Sun, they were celebrating having a new year, a clean slate. 

Despite all that, Evan still liked having his birthday on New Years Day.

He stopped having to invite people once Heidi realized that everyone was still on Christmas vacation whenever his parties were. He never had the attention on him. Maybe Jared would slip in a "Happy Birthday" somewhere after the New Years ball dropped in New York. 

* * *

His 17th birthday had came and went with no celebration this year. Evan's used to this by now, with Heidis shifts getting longer and longer and Jareds list of _reasons to stay away from Evan Hansen_ doing the same. 

He'd spent his birthday sitting in his room reading H. P. Lovecraft with whatever was in his Spotify playlist- he wasn't really hearing the lyrics- in the background. He'd loved Lovecraft since Heidi had allowed him to pick The Call of Cthulhu off her bookshelf. 

He liked the idea that all his problems weren't as big as they seemed, whether that solace came from the thought that some big octopus was going to destroy all of humanity was neither here nor there. 

* * *

Evan was scanning his bookshelf, though he wasn't in the mood to read. He pulled back 2 books, _The Little Prince_ and _The Bell Jar_. Behind them he one bottle of his usual meds, -his mom had just picked them up from CVS so it was full- and some melatonin. He'd put the books back in their place. His bookshelf was infused into his wall, and was deep enough that the 2 two books wouldn't look too out of place with the bottles hidden behind him. 

It wasn't like Heidi was ever around long enough to notice a couple books sticking out a bit further than the rest of them. 

* * *

Winter Break was over. 

It felt like a second first day of school. Except this time Jared wasn't standing by his locker, rude comments at the ready. Sucks Jared won't see Evan on his last day here. Or, well, it sucks for Evan that he won't see Jared one last time, Jared couldn't care less about his _'family friend'._

He chose today for a reason, he wanted to leave on the first day but Heidi had picked up a bottle of his meds, shook it around in her hand, asked him if he'd taken them, and proceeded to walk out the door without handing them back to him.

That had been all the evidence his anxious brain had needed to be 100% sure she knew about his plan. So he pressed paused, a plan he would resume once she'd forgotten, she always forgets.

* * *

Evan wanted to die in a park, an old orchard that no one goes to anymore. Somewhere where it will take a while for anyone to find his body. His mom took off work today for some reason he doesn't know. He's just mad she wouldn't let him stay home. Not only is this the first time in what seems like years she's taken a day it's also going to be his last day alive.

He has a suicide note, or more like a suicide journal.

It was a fully black notebook, something he probably grabbed from staples for school and then never used. He'd filled it with things that would help Heidi understand that this was for the better, that he would never be fixed and waiting until college would just waist more time since he was always going to end up like this. He'd left a little part for Jared, telling him something along the lines _'I know you hate me but I'm a loser and have no one so you're my best friend so don't blame yourself if you care enough to do that'._

He found something close enough to a closed down orchard, it was some old forest with drying trees and what probably used to be apples but Evan has no way of knowing it _that's_ what he just stepped in. It's good enough though, he doesn't deserve to die in some pretty field with cherry blossom trees and fresh grass. This shit hole is the worst he could find and it's still too good for him. 

Now, all he has to do is go home, grab his pills and journal, and finish himself off once and for all. 

It's really not that hard.

* * *

  
  



	2. the joke is on mankind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan goes home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: suicide, major character death

Evan Hansen always liked his kitchen.

It was small, quaint, and 2 out of the 4 stove burners were broken beyond repair, but it was, by far, his favorite room in the house. He liked to cook, sometimes. It was a skill he didn't dare show anyone, not that he had anyone to share it with. 

Right above the aforementioned broken stove was a window. It had pale white curtains that were drawn more often then not. The window was a bit tinted, probably from its age, the house was older then many of the others on his block. When sun streamed through it, it created a bordering on rose gold kind of light. It made Evan feel _calm,_ a feeling he'd rarely, if ever, apply to himself.

But right now, Evan doesn't think he'll ever want to enter this room ever again.

There is a small orange bottle thrown onto the floor right outside the kitchens' door frame. Evan picks it up, finding his name on the white paper wrapping around the now empty bottle. This is the bottle Heidi _accidentally_ took from him 4 months ago. 

Evan's mind should be racing, thinking of all the worst things this empty container could mean, but he docent have to. The worst possibility is right in front of him, just beyond the kitchens' threshold.

Heidi is lying on the floor, pale -not an introverts pale, like Evan's one that speaks _I never leave the house,_ but a cold blue kind of pale. A _deathly_ kind of pale.- with a few pills on the counter. Evan's not really sure how or when he called 911 but he did, they're on their way.

That's the first time Evan has made a phone call with no hesitation _in his whole life_.

* * *

Heidi Hansen does not go to the hospital to be treated, she goes to treat others. Despite her profession, she does not enjoy her yearly checkups.

She stole a bottle of her sons medication on September 4th and planned to use them the next day, she felt fine taking them from him but holding them in her hand makes her feel dirty, she'll have to put a pause on her plan, but she'll resume, Heidi never stops trying.

Heidi was going to die on December 13th but she realized that she wanted to see Evan turn 18. He was going to be turning 17 in just a couple of weeks and 18 fifty-two weeks after that. She could wait that long, right?

* * *

Heidi thinks she could have held on those 52 weeks. Have Evan fuck off to some college and just fade into the background as he drowns in studying and loans. But Heidi isn't strong like that, not like Evan. Evan would _never_ do anything like this. 

Evan is going to grow up, go to a college for writing or botany, Heidi hasn't had the time to ask which he prefers, get some well paying god get married to the girl of his dreams, and live happily, without Heidi. 

Evan is going to be _fine._

* * *

Evan is not going to be fine. 

Nothing about this is fine.

Heidi is dead and he's too scared to call Jared.

Heidi died an hour after she brought in, though calling that husk in the kitchen alive could never be a truthful statement.

He left the hospital, it felt to foreign and was all to near and dear to his mother. 

He's outside some park, under some sort of light source, he hasn't bothered to look up and see what illuminating him. 

He wishes his arm was still broken. So he could remember what he'd done. Maybe it would make him feel closer to her, because right now, as he's remembering her, she seems like a stranger. Maybe his only similarity between him and his mother shouldn't be suicide but it the only thing he's got and he has to hold onto it.

He's probably losing his mind.

He calls Jared.

"Hey Acorn"

"Jared?" It's a stupid question, Evan thinks. Evan knows he called Jared, he just heard Jared's voice, he knows it Jared. Now Jared probably thinks he's weird and is gonna go and tell all of his _real_ friends that Evan is-

"Yep, whas' up"

"Um... Heidis at- or um in- the hospital"

"Yeah? That's where she works"

"No- like she's _hurt_ Jared" Evan wishes he could just _spit it out_.

"oh. oh shit, is it bad?"

"No-"

"She's going to be ok, right?"

"Jare-"

"What hospital? is-is she awake?"

"She's dead, Jared" Evan didn't raise his voice, he didn't need to, the flat tone of his voice spoke volumes. 

"ok, okokokok. Where are _you?_ "

"Me?"

"Yes, dipshit. Your mom just fucking _died_ , I don't want you doing something stupid."

"Ellison. Ellison Park"

"Ok, just stay where you fucking are I'm getting in my car"

"oh you don't need to-"

"I want to asshole, stay put" Jared hung up.

Evan wants to cry, wants to fall onto this wet, gross grass and breakdown but he just _can't._

So he's just going to sit, waiting for Jared, not crying, and hoping that a tree falls down and kills him.

* * *

Jared picks him up, his cheeks are wet. Evan doesn't mention it. Jared seems so worried about Evan that he wonders who he was crying about. 

Evan doesn't know where he's gonna live, he's 17 and doesn't own the house he's lived in his whole life. Whether or not he's getting kicked out, Jared drops him off at what he's probably going to have to start calling his _old house_ or _childhood home_ or _the house I lived in until my mom killed herself and I became homeless._

Evan goes inside.

He doesn't go in the kitchen.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry


	3. fear of the unknown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan goes to Colorado

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: nothing really in this chapter, tell me if there is though

Evan used to like Colorado, back when it was all a pipe dream. When his dad had moved there he rushed down to the family computer and looked up _popular places in Colorado._ All the pictures Google had provided him made it look like Evan's version of heaven, then he went to visit. He was 10, maybe 11, and he was flying to Colorado alone. His anxieties had yet to consume him but he was definitely hyperventilating as he boarded. 

He was even more let down when he learned Mark lived nowhere near Rocky Mountains. The Colorado he had seen had made him start questioning if she should trust everything he sees on the internet. 

He went in December, a few dead trees were seemingly randomly placed all around and it all seemed a lot duller to Evan, though that could have just been because of Mark. Mark was very distant to him, really only talking to him when Elaine told him to because _he's you son too, Mark._

Heidi always made Elaine seem like this big monster, some _backstabbing tramp._ Heidi's words, not his. But, after meeting her, Evan decided that he liked Elaine. She would talk to him when Mark was at work and not mention the fact that he couldn't ask for anything.

* * *

Evan was moving to Colorado, he refuses to think he's living with Mark, he doesn't want Mark to feel like a father figure.

Evan's pretty sure the death has begun to sink in, he finally cried last night. It wasn't the breakdown most would expect from a new half-orphan but it felt like some sort of relief, knowing that he's not numb to his own mother dying. 

His plane takes off at 6pm, he was there at 12. 

* * *

Most people that have met the ball of anxieties that is Evan Hansen have assumed that he would hate being on planes, or anything to do with high places. While that's mostly true, being on a plane is mostly a calm experience for him (not counting the take offs and landings where he's gripping onto the arm rest for dear life)

Evan has the window seat, there's only one other person in his row and she's in the aisle seat. 

The flight goes on for about 3 hours, Evan has his headphones plugged in with the music as loud as he can make it without it disturbing other people. Evan thinks he'd rather this plane crash then have to face his dad at the airport.

* * *

Turns out he doesn't have to meet Mark at the airport because, according to Elaine, _he's just very busy._

Evan doesn't remember Elaine looking this similar to his mother, Mark has a type, he guesses. 

Elaine his being very carful with Evan, like saying one wrong thing will set him off and have him crying in the backseat of her red Toyota. Heidi used to treat him like that, every time Dr. Sherman would call Heidi to give her some bad news Heidi would get this look of pity and talk to Evan in this almost whisper. Evan _hated_ seeing her like that. He stopped giving Dr. Sherman bad news.

* * *

When he had first seen Mark and Elaines house, it had seemed all to big with way to many rooms, one room a nursery for a child that by now was probably 5 or 6 by now. He had stayed in the guest room that had a queen sized bed that seemed to swallow his small frame whole. 

It doesn't seem so big anymore, its not the quaintness of his old home though. His _real_ home. 

Mark won't talk to him, Elaine had to show him to his room, at least she glared at Mark, something could never muster up the courage to do.

Elaine tells him dinner will be ready soon if he wants it, but he tells her he's tired. He doesn't like lying, despite how much he did it to Jared and Heidi. 

At least now he never has to tell Heidi how he broke his arm, that lie was for her own good anyway. 

The queen bed is still to big for him. He leans against the frame and pulls his knees to his chest and pretends he's not alone. He pretends not to hear the shallow insults Mark throws his way from the kitchen under him.

He goes to bed dreaming of his mother and pretends he didn't cry. 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \\(' - ') /


	4. the dreams of time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: self hatred, mention of suicide

The guest room he refuses to call his own is completely empty. All of his things are still on their way so all he has is his laptop, phone, and whatever clothes he could stuff into his backpack.

There's not even any shitty hotel art on the walls like there are in the the other rooms. The walls are blank but not in a clean slate sort of way. They don't make Evan think that this room is new and has never seen a stain in its life. There are stains, not from anything it seems just splotches of colors that are just a bit darker than the off-white of everything else. He has a bedside table with a drawer underneath. He opened it when he first woke up and found a couple of books, The Juniper Tree and Coraline. They have much less dust on them than the rest of the table does so Evan assumes they were placed there recently.

He doubts it, but hopes maybe Mark put them there for him.

He knows he'll never really have one, but, he wants a dad. His hopes for that are just settling on Mark. Elaine deserves better them him, so does their kid, Grace. 

Elaine tells him to come down for breakfast, he wants to tell her he's scared to enter the kitchen, for reasons she'd probably understand, but he doesn't, because Evan Hansen is a coward.

* * *

Breakfast was quiet, a thing Evan usually enjoyed, but this silence made him uncomfortable. Maybe it was because it was clear that breakfast in this home probably weren't this quiet.

Mark and Elaine share a few sentences, Evan says nothing. Mark tells him the funeral will be in Colorado.

Heidi _hated_ Colorado. 

It kind of felt like Heidi was following him wherever he went. Not in a ghost or spirits or of way though, memories of her he had assumed were long gone kept popping up. Some of them were sweet, days Heidi would stay home from work that were spent watching movies and baking with whatever they had at the time.

Most of the memories weren't in the back of his mind because of age but repression. 

_"Evan, I'm trying so hard, why can't you return the favor?"_

_"Dr.Sherman said you've wanted to hurt yourself, I can't have you doing that Evan"_

_"You need to try harder"_

Evan could hear the concern and good intention laced in the sentences but that would never lessen the sting. They were voice than the voice that made him _fall_ out of that tree. 

* * *

He _knows_ his brain is twisting the words Heidi said to him, making them seem worse, getting rid of the concern but how is he meant to keep that in mind then Heidis voice is so fucking _loud._

_I never loved you_

_You ruined my life_

_I died to rid myself of you_

_Maybe I wouldn't be dead if you died instead of broke your arm_

It's so much worse, the only thing that makes it harder is that he knows he's never going to get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mark sucks


	5. I know always that i am an outsider

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no tws this time

According to Mark, Heidi's funeral is going to be very  _ tasteful  _ and it's going to  _ really honor her memory, kiddo _ . 

That would be nice and all but talking about the funeral is not helping with Evan's plan of  _ don't think about it and it isn't happening, out of sight out of mind. _

Evan's stuff came in yesterday, and after finding out Evan worked at Ellison, Mark gave him directions to a park and practically shoved him out of the house.

Evan understood, he isn't very likable, he never has been. The anxiety and depression combo doesn't exactly make an interesting individual, especially if you're as boring as Evan. 

* * *

The park is nice, it's wide with a mess of trees, and best of all, he's the only one there, free to  sit next to a tree and cry.

Which, now that the thought crosses his mind, seems like a good idea.

He sits down, back pressing against the tree when he turns to look at parts of the forest he has yet to explore.

It weirdly looks like a winding road to Evan, the grass creating an invisible path among the trees.

He gets up and starts walking along the path that doesn’t exist.

* * *

The night may be falling but Evan doesn’t turn back, the air is warm and who’s going to worry about him now?

Jared hasn’ talked to him since he left, Mark wants him gone, Elaine doesn’t know him, Heidi is dead.

Evan is alone, he always has been. He’s fine with, it’s something he knows he has to accept.

* * *

The ‘path’ led Evan to a river that seems to split the forest in two. 

A small, steep hill stops Evan from dangling his feet in the water without climbing down a foot of dirt.

The water splashes against some of the mossy rocks that are scattered on the edge of the water.

The river is small but Evan doesn’t think he’d be able to jump over it and he’s certainly not going to try. 

Luckily, there's a wooden bridge connecting the land split by the river. It curves up like some wooden hill.

The bridge doesn’t seem very stable, giving off a homemade feel, like someone just threw a bunch of wood together a few years ago and called it a day.

There’s old and new wood, the person who made it seemingly making repairs when needed.

Evan notices there’s a carving in one of the oldest pieces of wood, it’s faded and nearly invisible but Evan can just barely make out what it says.

_ C.M _

Heidi loved homemade things, loved baking and repairing furniture herself. She never had the time though.

Evan takes a picture of the bridge and sends it to Heidi’s number.

He knows she won’t respond but Evan decides it ok to indulge in some denial every once in a while.

He crosses the bridge.

Most flowers are still standing but some of them are starting to wilt.

Evan squints, it’s only getting darker and the moon has never given him enough light to see what’s more than foggy shadows.

Someone is sitting against a tree, Evan can’t really define more than that, he’s pretty sure he seems some long hair moves every time a burst of wind hits.

Evan takes a few steps toward the person and lets out a quiet,

“Hello?”

The person doesn’t notice him.

They shift a bit and seem to pluck something out of their ear,  _ probably an earbud _ , Evan thinks.

“Hello?”

“Hi” Evan offers meekly, hoping they can hear him.

The person stands up and walks towards Evan. Evan does his best not to start backing away.

The person walks up to Evan and tilts his head, looking at Evan.

“Who are you?”

“Evan. Hansen. Evan hansen”

  
  



	6. Fight or Flight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no tws for this chapter

“Connor Murphy”

Evan looked down to where Connor’s hands were stuffed in his hoodie pockets, making sure Connor wasn’t going to try to shake Evan’s hand.

“So what are you doing in a random forest in the middle of the night?”

Evan debated his options of what to say.

He could half lie, say something about wanting fresh air. He could be brutally honest and sum up what had happened, but Evan was never honest about his emotions and had no reason to start now. 

Connor started to look at him weird so Evan stumbled for a response.

“I. I just needed to get away from my dad’s house” Evan cringes at his use of  _ dad’s house  _ instead of  _ my house. _

“Huh. Is the house the problem or the dad?”

“Oh the house. It’s too big and I have too much personal space for my own good” Evan is only sort of joking. Evans'  _ real  _ home is much smaller and cramped than Mark’s much more normal sized house. 

Evan always liked the small place, being able to get anywhere quickly. Evan is someone who likes small houses and bigger rooms.

Everything Mark’s house isn’t.

Connor kind of chuckles, Evan really isn’t sure how to describe the dry sound Connor made.

“Well” Connor says, a bit of annoyance in his tone “It’s gonna be midnight in 15 to 45 minutes, so you should probably head home”

If Evan was better at saying no to people, he would tell Connor that he wants to stay here a bit long, just a minute or two, but Connor probably wants him to go, so he’ll go.

“Yeah, okay”

“So what street do you live on?”

“Uhhh I think it’s 8th?”

“That’s a block down from me, I’ll walk you home”

“You don’t have to”

“Yeah, but im gonna”

Well there’s no arguing with that, so Evan starts walking. He crosses the bridge and comets on how it looks handmade.

“Yeah, Larry and I built it when I was like 7 and I’ve been patching it up by myself ever since”

“Larry?”

“Dad”

“Oh”

The air isn’t exactly awkward, just different. 

Evan stops walking for a second to look up at Connor for some reason he’s already forgotten.

Connor is looking up, holding his head high with the same faux confidence he sees in Heidi. 

Saw. 

Saw in Heidi.

The wind is getting a bit stronger, trying to push Evan forwards.

Connor’s still walking, not looking back.

Evan runs to catch up with him.

* * *

The rest of the walk was quiet, something Evan was in desprate need of. 

It’s nice in a strange sort of way. The air and wind are just cool enough to keep Evan comfortable. 

He’s always liked the kind of cold that makes your cheeks red but doesn’t need a coat.

He’s not brave and he’s not daring so he pretends to be by not wearing a coat when he probably should. 

There's a few steet lights still on, letting Evan look at Connor in flashes.

Flash. 

Long dark brown hair.

Flash.

Pale, almost sickly skin.

Flash.

One his eyes, the one facing Evan has a spoltch of brown swimming in the blue.

Flash.

“This house yours?”

Evan jumps a bit and looks at the house.

The porch light is still on for some reason, Evan looks at Connor and nods.

“Thanks”

“Huh” Connor says, not in a confused way, more surprised than anything else.

Evan gives him a quizical look before he heads inside.

* * *

Elaine is sitting at the dining table, asleep. 

Evan is quick to blame himself before realzing that he should stop insetring himself into everything.

He’s not really a part of this house, this family.

He’s related to Mark but they don’t know eachother.

He’s not some pawn being moved around the board and landing in bad spots.

He got kicked off the board when he was 7.

He goes upstairs. 

* * *

He decides to call Heidi’s number again.

It’s not a good decision by any means but he’s making it anyway.

He punches the numbers instead of just clicking her saved contact, doing anything to stall.

He hits call and presses the phone to his ear, bringing his knees up and tucking his head in.

“Mom?”

“The number you dialded does not exist, try again later”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well after a month of just posting one shots I'm back on my bullshit. This fic is more planned out so I can promise it will be finished


End file.
